Are You a People Pleaser? A Path to Recovery for Christians
People pleasing is a behavior that, on the surface, may seem benign or even virtuous. After all, who doesn't want to be liked and maintain harmonious relationships?
However, the reality is that people pleasing can be deeply destructive, both to the individual engaging in it and to those around them. Here we explore the nature of people pleasing, its biblical implications, and how Christians can overcome this behavior.
Are You a People Pleaser?
People pleasing goes beyond basic kindness and helpfulness. It involves prioritizing others' approval and desires to the extent that one's own needs, values, and well-being are compromised.
Here are some common signs of people pleasing:
1. Difficulty Saying No: Constantly agreeing to requests and demands, even when it means overextending oneself.
2. Seeking Approval: Craving validation and fearing disapproval or rejection.
3. Avoiding Conflict: Going to great lengths to avoid disagreements, often at the cost of honesty.
4. Neglecting Self: Ignoring personal needs and feelings to prioritize others.
5. Feeling Responsible for Others’ Emotions: Taking on the burden of ensuring everyone around is happy and content.
If you identify with several of these behaviors, you might be a people pleaser.
While wanting to make others happy isn’t inherently bad, when it becomes compulsive and self-neglectful, it turns problematic.
Many of these behaviors involve pleasing others from a place of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of imperfection. Fear of conflict. The fear of what it says about you if you are not “nice” or “selfless”.
Why is People Pleasing Harmful?
Loss of Identity
Constantly molding yourself to fit others’ expectations can lead to a loss of personal identity. You may struggle to know who you truly are outside of others’ opinions and desires.
Chronic Stress and Burnout
Continually putting others first can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion. The stress of maintaining this facade can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
Suppression of Truth
Avoiding conflict to please others often means suppressing your true thoughts and feelings.
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”
People pleasing often involves dishonesty or half-truths to avoid conflict or disapproval. This undermines integrity and transparency, which are foundational to Christian morality and can prevent important issues from being addressed and resolved, leading to long-term dissatisfaction and dysfunction.
Hindrance to Personal Growth
When you’re focused on pleasing others, you might neglect opportunities for personal growth and development, limiting your potential and fulfillment.
Unhealthy Relationships
Relationships built on people pleasing are often one-sided and unhealthy. Such dynamics can foster resentment, manipulation, and a lack of genuine connection. While we often view people pleasing as “selflessness”, the truth is that these behaviors operate from fears that are ultimately self-involved.
What does the Bible say about people pleasing?
From a Christian perspective, people pleasing is problematic because it can interfere with one's relationship with God and obedience to His will.
The Bible instructs believers to seek approval from God rather than from humans.
In Galatians 1:10, Paul writes, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
This verse highlights the conflict between pleasing people and serving Christ. When we prioritize human approval over God’s, we shift our focus away from our true purpose.
Jesus Himself demonstrated the importance of setting boundaries. In Mark 1:35-37, despite the demands of the crowd, Jesus withdrew to a solitary place to pray, prioritizing His time with the Father over the expectations of others. This shows that it is not only acceptable but necessary to set boundaries to maintain spiritual health and obedience to God.
Romans 12:2 encourages believers to not conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of their minds. This transformation allows Christians to discern and follow God’s will, which is “good, pleasing and perfect.” People pleasing aligns us with worldly patterns of seeking approval and validation, rather than focusing on God’s unique purpose for us.
How Can Christians Recover from People Pleasing Behaviors?
Recovering from people pleasing requires intentional effort and a commitment to spiritual growth. Recovering from your people pleasing behaviors can allow you to better support those around you from a place of love - rather than by a protection of your fears. Here are practical steps Christians can take:
1. Develop Self-Awareness
Begin by recognizing and acknowledging your people pleasing tendencies. Reflect on your motivations and the situations that trigger these behaviors. Journaling or discussing these patterns with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor can help increase self-awareness.
2. Prioritize Your Relationship with God
Shift your focus from seeking human approval to deepening your relationship with God. Spend time in prayer, meditation, and Bible study to understand His will for your life. As you grow closer to God, your desire for His approval will naturally overshadow the need for human validation.
3. Practice Saying No
Learning to say no is crucial in overcoming people pleasing. Start with small, low-stakes situations to build your confidence. Remember, saying no does not make you unkind or unchristian; it’s a healthy practice of setting boundaries and maintaining balance in your life.
4. Embrace Conflict as Necessary
Conflict, when handled correctly, can lead to growth and deeper understanding. Practice addressing issues with honesty and grace. Use the biblical model of conflict resolution found in Matthew 18:15-17, which encourages direct, loving confrontation and seeking reconciliation.
5. Seek Support and Accountability
Engage with a supportive community that encourages your growth and holds you accountable. This could be a small group, a mentor, or a therapist who understands your faith perspective. Sharing your journey with others can provide encouragement and practical advice.
6. Redefine Your Identity in Christ
Remind yourself regularly of your identity in Christ. You are loved, valued, and accepted by God, not because of what you do for others, but because of His grace. Scriptures such as 1 Peter 2:9 and Ephesians 1:3-14 affirm your identity and worth in God’s eyes.
7. Develop Healthy Habits
Adopt habits that reinforce your commitment to living for God rather than for human approval. This might include daily devotions, mindfulness practices, and regular participation in community worship. Surround yourself with resources and activities that keep your focus on God’s will.
As Christians, our ultimate goal is to serve and please God. In doing so, we find true freedom and fulfillment, far beyond what human approval can offer.
By aligning ourselves with God's approval and purpose, we can break free from the chains of people pleasing and live a life that truly honors Him - pouring out into others from a place of love rather than fear.
So, take heart, seek His guidance, and embrace the journey towards a more authentic, God-centered life.
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Please note that this blog offers general educational information and is not a substitute for professional consultation. If you need help, we encourage you to contact a local therapist. In a psychiatric emergency, go to your nearest emergency room or call 911.